But I am just another picture. And I watch myself like you.
-- 10 Cent Wings, Jonatha Brooke
I can't believe that I've posted only 3 entries here in 2008. I intended to post one last entry before the end of 2008 to give the year some form of closure, but evidently, for whatever reasons/excuses, I didn't. I actually have a really long entry of new year resolutions in draft... but I've decided not to post these in the end. They aren't exactly interesting, with some resos being permanent residents on everyone's reso list (like, exercise more, ha). Not very meaningful to the reader, so I'll keep them to myself. Anyways I didn't have the patience to expand on each reso, even though one of my resos was to develop more patience. Sigh, the progress I am making...
Anyways, this entry is a note to self that I've made some new year resos that I don't really intend to keep. I figured halfway through the draft entry that it's kinda silly to start out all ambitious at the beginning of the year, only to end up disappointed with oneself at the end of each year when unrealistic/inapplicable resos do not get followed through. What I'm gonna do in 2009 is to identify things I wanna work on as and when the need arises, and then start IMMEDIATELY. So much time is wasted when we tell ourselves, I'll start doing xxx next year.
Anyways, since we are only into the 3rd day of 2009, to anyone who's reading this, Happy New Year =)
I'm suffering from post Olympics withdrawals.
For the first night today, I flicked the TV on after work and there are no basketball games, diving events, football matches or the like.
This needs a little getting used to.
So I see I haven't been blogging for almost half a year. The reason why... well, it's the same old story. Not gonna repeat myself.
<ramble>Found a new distraction by the name of Tumblr recently. Been posting sporadically. Basically whim posts, lazy posts. Nothing lengthy. Nothing extremely personal. Totally random. I figure I still wanna retain a semblance of "properness" on this blog. Sometimes some flyaway thought strikes me. It's (me-thinks) good enough to be put on paper, but, for the same boring reason (as per para one), its development just gets tragically stunted such that it's still not bloggable. So rather than watch all of them wither and die, I thought I'd just Tumblr them, like, put them in some nitrogen freeze... and then revive them when my time and mood allows. If time and mood never allows for that to happen, at least there's still a specimen of that brief spark somewhere. </ramble>
Pardon me if the flow of my thoughts today appear somewhat disjointed.
<more ramble>I have a feeling the constant toggling between different browser windows while waiting for pages to load on the internet has given me ADD of sorts. These days I am finding it increasingly difficult to focus my attention on one thing at any one point in time. I can't complete one chapter of a book without running to Flickr to check whether there are any new posts etc. These days everything just come in bite-sizes (think Youtube vids, fast reply on forums), such that once they come in steak sizes and require my fork and knife, I kinda lose patience.</more ramble>
This is no good.
I was supposed to have written something before 2007 closed, so that at least my series of 2007 entries would have some form of closure, and not end off on some random note.
Evidently, that did not happen.
As usual, I point my accusing finger at Work -- that greedy, evil thing that's constantly trying to encroach into my personal time, and many-a-times, emotional well-being. But I'm not writing today to rant about work (at least I'll try not to), especially not on a glorious afternoon on the first day of 2008.
Reflection at the end of each year freaks me out somewhat.
Ok, I was actually about to launch into yet another trite rant about how I've allowed work to consume me, how I'm beginning to find no more sense of purpose in my work, how I've looked back and found that my memory of 2007's been a giant blur, blah blah blah. But even I myself am sick of being a broken record. So, back to reflection, here goes...
Things in 2007 that could have been done better
1. Work
Yaya, back to my pet topic again... But no, Work is not making an appearance as the whipping boy of my misery today. I have no answers to my predicament as yet, but I do have some food for my own thought:
(a) If I'd try to stay more focused at work, maybe I'd be a more clear headed person to finish my work quickly. I realise I have this problem of getting distracted by peripheral issues that pop up unexpectedly (be it for other assignments or the existing assignment), such that I end up with like 5 issues on hand when I've only started off with one. Simplify, Jacq.
(b) I also think it is time I seriously and actively kept a lookout for job opportunities.
This is the year when I've experienced an entire rollercoaster of changes in my attitude towards my job. There was a period of single-minded dedication, but many-a-times I swung to the other end of the continuum, that is, repulsion. Of course, on most of days, I was just sick and tired, bordering on boredom recently and, horror of horrors, I think I'm slowly moving towards apathy.
I've once told myself that if I ever reached the point when I start counting down to knock off time, I really should get myself a new job. If only making a diagnosis were as easy as matching a symptom to a malady! Now that I'm displaying this symptom, there are other noises in the background telling me that it still might not be time, and that the cure isn't to quit. It's too complicated to go into details here, but bottomline is, the relationship I have with my job is love-hate. Sometimes I wished I could hate my job with single-minded clarity. That would make things a lot easier.
But whatever the case is, passivity is definitely not the way to go. It's good to have information, and sitting there doing nothing is certainly not gonna get me any!
2. Discipline AND time management
I’ve come to realise how important discipline is through a sheer lack of it in 2007. Self-indulgence gives you a high when you succumb to that once in a while, but when engaged in too often, you just end up feeling immensely wasted.
I often lament that my life is one-dimensional (work, work, work). If work is the culprit of my one-dimensional life, my wanting time management skills and lack of discipline are equally guilty. I'll have to admit, I've been REALLY lousy with my time management in 2007 (and discipline too).
There are just SO many things I want to do, but I keep getting this feeling that I'm running out of time, and in many instances, I do not even hazard an attempt because I'm just so afraid that I cannot commit my time. For one, I want to pick up Japanese again. But I haven't signed up for classes because I'm afraid I wouldn't have time for self-study. I told myself I'd take up Japanese classes after I'm done with my guitar, but my guitar course is not gonna end till another 9 months or so. That's a long time, and I'm not sure whether 9 months down the road, there'll be new commitments (be it work or otherwise), that'll prevent me from taking up classes. I'm kinda exploring the option of taking up classes after the peak. I don't wish to wait too long, because after Japanese, I intend to learn French (see what I mean? I want to do everything! Did I mention that I wanna try the keyboard too? But seriously, I should calm down. One thing at a time.)
And there it is, my guitar. I haven't been practising it as often as I ought to. Ok, sometimes, it's really a lack of time, but most of the time, I'll have to admit that it's a lack of discipline. Especially in the face of more alluring activities, like going out with friends, going online etc, I would dump my guitar for instant gratification. It's daunting when your barre chords continue to buzz after all these months, but darn it Jacq, that's all the more a good reason why you should be practising!
Then there's my reading. I haven't read as much as I'd like to in 2007. Fiction is one (I have more than 10 books from my
And of course, there's exercise. It's been months since I've exercised regularly, and that's making me feel EXTREMELY unhealthy. As usual, I point my accusing finger at Work, not wrongfully in all honesty, but I guess I could do better. Just gotta put in a bit more effort Jacq!
Goodness, 2008 looks set to be a REALLY busy year.
3. Anger management
This is one thing that I didn't do very well in 2007. Work has made my fuse shorter (there I go again, using Work as my favourite whipping boy), and less tolerant of other people's mistakes. I feel really ugly everytime after I've lost my temper. And sometimes I do say the most nasty things. So hold your tongue Jacq, if you have nothing good to say.
Things that went great in 2007
1.
This was the year I went crazy travelling. I did all 3 countries in a month, so much so that after
2. I picked up guitar again
Yeah, after a 7-month hiatus, I picked up that monster again. To hell with peak, I shall make it a point to practise. I'm not gonna suspend my classes this time round.
3. Fangirl-ism
This is the year when I took my fangirl-ism to new heights. I mean, I've been a fan to artistes, but never this crazy. The most unforgivable thing I did was to attend an autograph session thronged by thousands of screaming teenage girls. To think that I actually subjected myself to sweaty crowds just to watch somebody do 3 numbers and to get my CD autographed (!). My 17-year-old self would have thumbed her nose at this fangirly 25-year-old me had she seen this, but what the heck, if there's another of such event today, I'd go again in a heartbeat.
Actually I shouldn't be saying all these with any pride at all, because I am no longer a teen. Fangirl-ism is really not, and should not be, a thing for people my age. I should be dealing with my quarter-life crisis, no? Why on earth did I take up an extracurricular activity to distract myself from a crisis that is already so difficult to grapple with? Hell, I have no idea. All I know is, I really am enjoying fangirlism. What brightens up your day more than finding out that the person you've been following has released a new single, or that his new album is out, or that he's is coming to town for a concert? And it gets more exciting when you get to meet people from all over the world sharing the same fanaticism as you. Ah yes, I really am enjoying this. *screams*
4. People
One thing I'm really thankful for, I've got really nice colleagues. =) I guess that's one of the reasons why I'm so reluctant to leave my job even though I'm losing interest.
*steps back and takes a read*
Ok, I think I've just written an uber long entry. 2007 ain't all that bad, after I've put things into perspective. Could have been better, but I'll work towards that in 2008.
Credits: www.wangleehom.com
Heroes of Earth ("HoE") was the album that turned me into a Leehom fan. It was in 2 words, sheer brilliance. While it dazzled me, it also got me wondering how he was going to top his effort in his follow-up.
I guess rather than try surpassing or even replicating HoE's success, Leehom has opted instead to sidestep that and do something quite the opposite.
The result is the album, aptly titled, Change Me (改变自己).
On all counts, Change is everything HoE isn't.
I'm not griping about the change itself. In fact, I love it when musicians take the risk and throw me off my seat with something totally out of the ordinary.
And Leehom's been one such musician who has constantly done so. I've got all his albums since Forever's First Day, and in every release, there's almost always something bold/offbeat/unpredictable.
However, after my very first spin of Change, my instant reaction was, That's It?
That was despite 12 really decent tracks. (Ok, make that 11. Track 4 doesn't count.) I guess I'm greedy, but decent is not good enough for me when it comes to a Leehom album. I need my fix of Leehom experiments, but somehow this is glaringly missing from Change.
I guess I've been too accustomed to him delivering brilliance. So when he goes safe and easy, I feel kind of shortchanged because we all know he is capable of greater stuff.
*
I think I would have liked this album much better if I were not that big a fan, because expectations aside, this is actually a very palatable album, with not a single track I'd skip. It's simple, unpretentious, happy pop music that'll have you singing and tapping along in no time. I guess Leehom has reached the stage where he's stopped taking himself too seriously, and is comfortable enough writing on first instincts. Unlike in his previous albums, he makes no attempt at producing anything cutting edge. Instead, the album waxes nostalgia more than anything else. He seems to have taken a step back after his hip-hop/rap foray. Now it's back to basics -- a departure from the sophistication and grandeur of his chinked-out albums -- with nothing too fanciful or dramatic.
Imo, the most notable thing about this album lies not so much in the music, but in the humour and playfulness. Many of the songs in Change make references to songs from his previous albums (and sometimes even to songs in Change itself). Cockney Girl, for instance, sounds almost like a parody of 盖世英雄 [Heroes of Earth] (lyrically, that is). It starts off with the exact same lines as HoE, before he makes the disclaimer, "But this time the story takes place in London." Ha!
My favourite reference however, is in the title track, Change Me. He actually reused the controversial 放开你的心 [Open Your Heart] sample which he had allegedly plagiarised from Usher in the 3-4 second interval between the chorus and the second verse. It sounds to me like a subtle dig at his critics, "So you're saying I plagiarised? Here we go again..." I'm not sure whether I'm reading too much between the lines, but if he really did intend what I thought he intended, then I must say, that dig was pretty clever.
The most likeable song in the album, I suppose, has to be 我们的歌 [Our Song]. It's got great hooks, a catchy melody, and positive, happy lyrics. But it's really the line 如果世界太危险/只有音乐最安全 (when the world gets too dangerous/only music is the safest) that does it for me. Music as a respite - that just hit the nail on the head!
My personal favourite, however, is Cockney Girl. It sounds very much like 竹林深处 [Deep in the Bamboo Growth] from Shangri-La, but it's a more polished, and a more cleverly layered version. It's one of those songs where you'll discover something new with each fresh spin. I just love how the song progresses in steps. If HoE is a random collage of sounds, then this song works like a systematic mosaic. I'm not saying that I prefer this to HoE. Both are brilliant in their own right, but they hit me at different spots. This song's currently on constant rotation in my MP3 player.
Other notable tracks: 不完整的旋律 [Incomplete Melody], 爱在哪里 [Where is Love], 爱的鼓励 [Love's Encouragement] (imo, way too McDonald's-ish, but the jazzy piano interlude just salvaged the whole song for me), 你是我心内的一首歌[You are a Song in my Heart] (intentionally tacky, and in such a cute way), and of course, the title track, 改变自己 [Change Me], which is such a joy to behold live.
At the end of it all: I'd have to say, this is a decent one which has its moments, but it's certainly not his best. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this going easy thing is just a passing phase, because this Leehom fix was just not potent enough for me. What it lacks is edginess. Hopefully, the next time we hear from him, he'll be back with something more compelling, and something with some added dimension.
I caught Cashback, an M18 movie today.
Episode One that made my day
Guy at the ticket booth (GatTB): Um, can I have your IC please?
Me: (Throws him a you've-gotta-be-kidding look, while fishing for my IC.)
GatTB: (Examines IC in all seriousness.) Uh... just needed to make sure.
Me: Why, thank you.
I guess it's a case of boredom for the ticket booth guy, given the sparse weekday crowd.
But I take it that I still have the chance of looking like I am on the shorter side of 18. =)
Episode Two that made my day
Me: (Ascending the stairs to enter theatre, hands auntie ticket.)
Auntie: Ler wu jap buek huey liao hor? [You are above 18 right? - In Hokkien]
Me: Wu... [Yes.] (Proceeds to walk into theatre.)
Auntie: (Must have not heard my reply.) 有十八岁了hor? [You are above 18 right? - In Mandarin]
Me: 有，有... [Yes, yes...]
Again, this could be:
1. A case of boredom;
2. A case of paranoia (because there are so few of us in the audience, they couldn't take any chances); or
3. I really look like I could fall on the shorter side of 18 (yes!)
And since I was feeling pretty positive today, I chose to believe option 3. =)
Btw, I thought the movie was brilliant.
Anger seems to have become part of my anatomy these days.
When my emotions are at rest, I am cross. When they awaken, I boil.
I somehow have developed a knack for picking up pain in the neck in almost every situation, afterwhich I'll hang on to them like my life depended on them. I nurture them and watch them fester into gaping sores, and then proceed to savour the wretchedness.
I know this isn't the thing to do, but letting go of the affliction just makes me feel as if I'm shortchanging myself. If it's a paper cut, I won't be satisfied until it drips blood. If it's a knock, the blue-black better be as dark as it can get.
Ok, I think I'm getting a little carried away with my analogies and they are starting to sound perverse, but come to think of it, isn't unappeasable anger a form of perversion? You refuse to let go of your anger towards something/someone because you want to punish this something/someone which/whom you think has wronged you. At the end of the day, you are the one who gets tipped off balance emotionally, while the life of the other party goes on. You know your anger has NO effect whatsover on the wronger, but you simply refuse to walk away because you are irrationally hoping against hope that if you boil long enough, the wronger will realise his folly and admit his silliness. (Right, like when I get angry with the weather long enough, it will start snowing here in Singapore. And like if I get pissed enough, the neuron count/nerve ends of incompetent/insensitive people will miraculously multiply.)
I hate this me that I am now. I feel unpleasant, stupid and downright ugly.
I have a healthy neuron count. I should know better.
Just walk away Let it go, Jacq.
It's ironic how I just have this desire to blog when I am in this current extreme state of wordlessness.
After my harrowing one and a half weeks at work (and there's more to come) post Melbourne, my brain has stopped thinking straight (at least for tonight). Thoughts are disjointed. I don't even feel like writing in complete sentences.
(Hello Realty!)
I feel drunk.
I guess I'm getting high on the cocktail of adrenaline and a lack of sleep from all the deadlines.
All I wanna do is to sit down, stare into space with a repeat-mode worthy song on loop, and simply have the world pass me by.
But what I'm doing now is sitting down, repeating Khalil Fong's 爱爱爱 ad nauseum (though nausea hasn't set in yet), and typing pointless crap into this space while staring into space (I owe my typing skills to frequent MSN-ing). Thinking isn't in the picture. Just typing whatever comes my way. Life these days is like a drought. Good things come by rarely, and have to be rationed with scroogely care. It's no longer about looking for light at the end of the tunnel, but more a case of finding my way out of the desert. I don't give a damn about the light anymore. My throat is parched; my thirst is insatiable. I need my water.
Today, I asked my manager for an internal transfer.
Much as I’m tempted to, I wouldn’t say the cliched “I do not know what possessed me to do that” sentence. I know for sure that I want to get out of what I’m doing. I know I’m getting too comfortable for my own good, and really, I’m getting kind of bored. I don’t seem to be growing technically, and it disturbs me that I am wasting precious time trading growth for comfort.
While I know I wish to get out, the problem lies with the fact that I do not know where I want to go. But the urge to get out is so strong, I kind of took a stab in the dark, and chose what I chose.
Ok, maybe I shouldn’t say it’s a stab in the dark per se. I made my choice by elimination (as I’ve ALWAYS done for all the major decisions in my life – choosing my schools, choosing my major, choosing my job). Not the best way to make a decision, and certainly not the most intelligent method. But they haven’t yielded disastrous consequences so far, though I acknowledge that intelligent decision making is something I have to work on.
I’m not particularly proud of this, but I can get rather wishy-washy when it comes to major decision making. Whenever I attempt to make an intelligent decision, I’ll almost always end up over-weighing all the pros and cons that I end up putting off making the decision. I usually end up with a decision only if I stop being rational, and stop trying to be intelligent. In other words, the decisions I’ve made are usually leaps of faith made with one eye closed.
This time round, I’ve been told that with me moving over, I’ll be almost starting from square one. I’ll need to clock in another 2 to 3 years to gain the relevant experience to be marketable in the industry. On top of that, I’ve been advised that where I’m transferring to is pretty specialised, unlike the Options Heaven that I am in now. This isn’t a problem if I know exactly what I want. But I wonder how smart this decision is if I am choosing this option just because I want to get out of my current rut. But like I said, unless I keep one eye closed, I’ll never be able to reach a decision. So maybe I should stop attempting to be intelligent and just go ahead with it.
Even so, I can’t help but wonder if I am just being itchy-fingered and fixing something that ain’t broke. My manager warned me that where I’ve requested to be transferred to will be much worse than where I am right now, in terms of hours, workload and stress level. In response, I told him I’ve considered that, and I wouldn’t mind it because I really want to try out something different. I said that with quite a lot of conviction, but now that I look back at the meeting I’ve had with him this morning, I am beginning to wonder how much of what I’ve said is actually true. Now that I am sitting by myself at Starbucks, I am beginning to realise that I actually am petrified by the prospect of having zero personal time. Me-time keeps me sane. Having no personal time is as bad as, if not worse than, depriving me of sleep. It drives me cranky. I need alone time, in fact, lots of it, to allow experiences to percolate into my system. Without that, experiences, however rich they are, would just slide past me, and I’ll probably just look back at my 3 busy years wondering what I’ve done with my life, how come I’m older but not any wiser.
But hey, if I go on and on about this, I’ll probably end up with a decision-making stalemate with myself. So perhaps I should just close one eye and take another leap of faith. So be it if this is a mistake. I’ve got to learn to DARE to make mistakes. Come to think of it, I’ve never really regretted any leaps of faith that I’ve made in the past anyways, no matter how crazy they seemed to me before I took the leap. Either I’ve been taking really smart leaps, or I am simply immune to regret – which is good either way. I don’t think I’ll play myself out this time round. So I guess I’ll just get an eye patch and prepare for my Great Leap Forward.
Investing a Saturday on cleaning up one's habitat is definitely worthwhile -- decluttering IS therapeutic. I'm so proud of the end result I actually took pictures. No paragraphs today, because I am so tired. But I sure am happy as a lark!
Before
After
I'm dang proud of my CD collection.
I'm one of those people who stash my stuff in the first convenient spot I see, and then tell myself that I'll put them in their correct places once I have the time (mood).
But somehow the desired time (mood) just never comes, so the stuff remain in those convenient spots semi-permanently. Semi-permanently because everyone, including someone as disorganised as me, DOES have a threshold for mess (it's just that my threshold is higher than the average human being). When the clutter finally gets unbearable, the motivation for a major spring clean kicks in. I usually begin this task with admirable gusto, but most of the time, the accumulated clutter just proves too formidable for me, so I only manage to unclutter one portion of my home. This usually works well enough for me though. Semi-clutter is something I can live with; it's the Full-Blown Clutter that makes me want to knock my head against the wall.
Right now, the clutter level of my habitat is head-knocking Full-Blown. It's the result of six months of convenience-stashing and procrastination (and perhaps also years of sentimental hoarding -- I've really got to learn to throw things out!). My clutter's not a pretty sight for sure, and definitely unbearably unbearable. I wished I could have one week off work, just to stay home to put every wayward thing back to its correct place. It's strange how an untidy person like me actually wants her dream home to be TOTALLY clutter-free. The day I see my home spick-and-span neat will be the day I feel in total control of my life. That's therapy through symbolism to a certain extent, but I believe it helps in directly reducing Life-Clutter as well. At least I can stop worrying about losing my things, and concentrate my energy on other things that are more deserving of attention.
Once I'm done with House-Clutter, I'll start blasting Life-Clutter.
What a way to procrastinate.
It's no wonder that Life-Clutter is reaching head-knocking Full-Blown scales as well.
Photo Credit: www.wangleehom.com
I couldn't wait for Leehom's next offering after Heroes of Earth, so I went the other direction and started digging his earlier works instead.
It's always interesting to see how a musician evolves from one album to the next. 永远的第一天 [Forever’s First Day (“FFD”)] is the first album that Leehom fully produced. I can’t help but compare this with his most recent album Heroes of Earth (since this is the one that got me interested in his music in the first place). I must say I am amazed by how much he has matured musically. This is not to say that FFD is in any way inferior to Heroes of Earth. These are 2 entirely different pieces of work, each with its own merits. While the boundary-pushing Heroes of Earth is more polished, FFD charms with its very opposite characteristic of rawness. FFD, for some reason, possesses a no-reservations vibe and innocence that are so characteristic of stunning debut albums, even though this is technically not Leehom’s first. It’s as if he has, as a first-time producer, invested his entire load of pre-debut aspirations into the making of this album. Despite some moments of debutante faux pas, the result is still a jewel of an album that shines with earnestness.
This album offers an eclectic mix of good ol’ pop, hip hop, rock, R&B and even a dash of jazz. It’s not uncommon for Chinese artistes to dabble in a whole range of genres in one album, but many a times, the singer simply ends up doing every single song in the same poppish manner. On the other hand (and that’s a really loud “on the other hand”), Leehom seems comfortable in almost any genre. He’s convincing whether it’s rock, jazz (he does amazing ad-libs by the way), hip hop or R&B. Such is his versatility, and for that, he has my total respect.
Before FFD, I’ve always thought that the “chinked-out” vibe is a recent experiment. But it seems like Leehom already had that conceptualised way back in 2000. In his liner notes, he mentioned that one of the initial premises for this album is the “orientalism of pop music”. Perhaps this is most evidently manifested in 欢喜城 [City of Pleasure], where he takes a dig at modern day hedonism. (Incidentally, this track is one of my favourites.) The song starts off normally enough, with modern hip hop beats and all, before he suddenly pounces on you with a proclamation that there is city with everything you need, in a tune reminiscent of Chinese mountain folk songs (complete with the koyok-selling echo). To top it all off, he had to do this in English (!). It could have turned out tacky, or even painfully obvious. But that was a risk he took, and fortunately for him (and for listeners like me), it didn’t! It’s without a doubt offbeat, but in a really delightful way. Love the beat (infectious!), love the chorus, love how he mixed in a whole crazy array of instruments and sounds, love how he played with his voice (was that a scream?). I especially love the part where he did the typical R&B-esque ooh-baby thing against the backdrop of an erhu, and how the guzheng just suddenly swung in to herald in the chorus. That part is just so fine. I’m listening to it right now as I write.
Two other fun tracks to listen to are 狂想世界 [The World of Wild Imagination, (“TWoWI”)] and 爱情是舞台 [Love is a Stage]. When I first heard TWoWI, I loved its verse but absolutely hated the chorus. I thought the chorus was pure cacophony. The harmonies sounded wrong, and I was just going, What the hell is this? But once I got the hang of the melody, it went down surprisingly well with me. It’s got this what-the-heck air about it that makes you want to just wind down the windows and enjoy the breeze in your face.
Love is a Stage, however, is a case of ambivalence. It’s rock, but I’m not a major rock fan. How the song started off like a show tune just didn’t do it for me either. I thought (and still think) it’s kind of tacky. But somehow I still find myself singing along to this track in spite of myself, because it’s just so catchy and energetic. Once the song swings into action, you’ll no longer have the desire to interrupt the energy by pressing the skip button. It’s just time to whip out the air guitars!
Despite all these seemingly upbeat numbers, I’d have to say that this album isn’t entirely bright and happy. The nonchalance in TWoWI is overcast with a sense of wanting, while Love is a Stage is wrought with frustration gone delirious. With less than blissful upbeat numbers such as these, the slow numbers, naturally, can’t be the happiest people around. But I’m definitely not complaining, because they simply hurt so good!
Topping the downright heartbreaking scale is 你可以告诉我 (你还爱谁) [You Can Tell Me]. It’s probably the most personal number in the album. The lyrics, albeit being unpolished, are so raw in its emotions that the pain just comes through. I wouldn’t go to the extent of describing it as achingly beautiful, but it comes close enough. This has got to be one of the most honest songs by Leehom to date.
Another one of my favourite tracks on this album would be 忘了时间忘了我 [All I Think About is You]. It’s got jazz harmonics fused with R&B beats, and the result is smoothness, moodiness and intensity all rolled into one. It’s the longest track in the album, clocking up to 6 minutes of play time. But I still cannot get enough of its loveliness, so it ends up as one of those songs that gets spun on repeat in my player.
Speaking of smoothness, 伤口是爱的笔记 [Love's Notebook] is another track worthy of mention. It’s actually pretty similar to 不要害怕 [Don’t Be Afraid] in feel and rhythm, but I really like this way better than Don’t Be Afraid. It puzzles me why Don’t Be Afraid was plugged as a single rather than this, because I think this song is so much stronger melody-, arrangements- and lyrics-wise. It has one of the most beautiful bridges too; gorgeously layered, and very fluid. Yup, this is another repeat mode song for me.
The only track in the entire album that I skip is his remake of 龙的传人 [Descendants of the Dragon]. Although he has put in a rap portion, and re-arranged the song to add a more contemporary beat to it, they don’t seem to have brought much new perspective to the original. It’s a song I wouldn’t have missed had it been excluded from the album, because the rest are sheer brilliance.
This is one of those albums that gets better and better with every listen, because hidden in every nook and cranny, are exciting little surprises waiting to be discovered. Such surprises are best fished with a good set of ear phones.
‘Tis one exhilarating ride.
Recommended tracks: 5 - 狂想世界, 7 - 伤口是爱的笔记, 8 - 欢喜城, 9 - 忘了时间忘了我, 10 - 这就是爱, 11 - 你可以告诉我 (你还爱谁)
Picture Credit: www.nationalmuseum.sg
I bought my ticket to Aynur's show on a whim, after reading about how her music is Kurdish folk "fused with elements of rock and jazz". I'm kind of into interracial musical marriages these days, so I purchased my ticket without a second thought, even though I've never heard of her before.
Naturally, I didn't know what to expect. She was accompanied by a 5-piece band, consisting of a drummer-cymbalist (equivalent of a rock band drummer - Drummer #1), another drummer (he played a drum that was slung across his shoulder - Drummer #2), a flutist, a violist and a guy who played an instrument that which I believe is a zither (it sounded very much like the Chinese pipa). Drummer #1 was more for creating bass, whereas Drummer #2 was the rhythmic one.
Anyur started the show with an a capella verse, before her band joined in midway with an enchanting array of sounds. I say “sounds” because at that point, the music still had not started making sense to me. The melodic scales and beats were not something I was used to (definitely very alternative by Top 40s standards), and of course, I couldn’t understand a single syllable of her singing. But never was there a point in time was it cacophony to me. It was just exotic, and needed some getting used to.
Anyur’s voice, however, HAD TO BE beautiful by universal standards. In fact, that was what struck me most. Resonant would be the adjective I would use to describe her voice objectively, while Gorgeous will be the adjective I'd use in a rave. It was so good she could have done the whole show without the microphone. There was a portion where she sang without one, and that surprisingly added more tone and colour to her voice. I even thought the members of the audience were holding their breath when she did that. At least, I did! It was really kind of breathtaking for me.
Her vocal nuances were also brilliant; she’s warm and mellow when she does her low notes, but when she hits the high registers, her voice simply glides effortlessly into crystal clarity. She also did some Kurdish equivalent of beat-boxing, which was really fun to listen to. If you want to hear what using the human voice as an instrument means, well, this is it. Her mastery of this instrument would have put many pop so-called singers to shame.
Instruments seem to play as important a part as the human voice in Kurdish music. The instrumentalists had a lot of solo time, very much like in jazz, and I thought the interaction between the human voice and the instruments were really exciting. They don’t just accompany one another; they actually weave and intertwine, such that each song is a seamlessly woven piece of tapestry. In fact, I think it’s almost graceful, the manner in which the musicians take one another’s cues just with a nod or a smile. That’s one aspect of the beauty of live music, I suppose.
This show just further affirmed my belief that music is best enjoyed live. I don’t think I’d have enjoyed this half as much had I heard this on CD. After all, I don’t understand a single word of Kurdish, and Kurdish beats and melodies are less than intuitive to my Top 40 conditioned ear. But under a live setting, there just seems to be an additional element of exhilaration and electricity, and all these make the music come alive and all the more enjoyable.
And I must add -- this lady, she’s a star.
Somehow, I think the central theme of my teenage and adult life is Frustration.
I was never much frustrated as a kid. I lived in oblivious contentment. (And they say ignorance is bliss, I'll have to agree on that point.) Whatever I wanted, and did not get/could not be, I'd tell myself that they will come when I grow up.
Then I kind of got smarter when I hit my teens, and I realised that you don't become everything you want to be, even after you've grown up. You simply have to learn to come to terms with some of those things that you are unhappy with.
Unfortunately, I haven't such Zen-ness, even today, to accept some of such Shortcomings in Life. Inability to accept is one thing; one part of me also refuses to accept these so-called Inevitable Shortcomings. At the risk of sounding cliched, I'll have to say that Frustration IS a necessary evil, or so I believe. Frustration drives people to tears, up the wall, but right out of their comfort zone as well, no? Without Frustration, Contentment becomes king, and will soon get succeeded by Complacency. With that, everything will just hit a plateau. I bet e*, upon reading this, will be going, Stop being a wannabe and all will be fine. But isn't every human being inherently a wannabe in some way or another? The grass is always greener on the other side. We are always in love with something we are not.
Sometimes I just feel trapped by all these frustration. Oh yeah, so I'm frustrated, but I'm frustrated with what? Often, I find myself asking, Jacq, so what is it that you really want? It's as if I'm trying all ways and means to pacify a crying child, but the silly child is just unable to articulate what it is that he wants. Frustration leading to more frustration, that's what it is.
There are times when I seem to know just exactly what I want, especially when the object of desire is something tangible (and maybe even shallow), like wanting to like my reflection better, wanting to be able to play an instrument, wanting to be more competent at work, wanting more work-life balance. During times like these, there seems to be an antidote to the frustration, existing in some space and time. All I need to do is to FIND IT and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. And then it's QED.
But sometimes (or should it be oftentimes?), it's the silly clueless child scenario. You are just tortured to bits by this sense of wanting. But a wanting of what, you have no idea. Sometimes I just wander into a store, in search of something that may quell this sense of wanting. I buy a CD or a book that I hope will turn out miraculously fulfilling/life-changing. But of course, they often don't. It's a desperate, and silly attempt, I admit, at finding a solution to a problem you can't put a finger on. This evening, I found myself at Kinokuniya. Should I get a magazine that tells me how I should dress to hide all my flaws? Or should I get the journals of a mentally disturbed poet and get comforted by the fact that there was someone else more mad than I am? Or maybe I should just head direct to the self-help section and grab some random promise of happiness for $20? In the end I wound up at the music section, faced with shelf-loads of musical scores. And then the wannabe in me says, if only I could play. And the discouraging Jacq retorted, it's just too bad you can't, and probably you never will be able to. And of course, that hurt. Wannabe got frustrated. Wannabe vowed to take music lessons when she has the time. Discouraging Jacq just kept on sneering, Have the time? Come back to the Real World, buddy.
I am often in the role of Discouraging Jacq. I think I inherited this persona from my parents, especially my father, and I kind of resent that. Among my friends, I am always the sane and rational one. I never do crazy stuff, and I can always be counted on to do what is Right. To sum all these up in 3 short and sweet adjectives, I am Boring, Predictable and Unadventurous. Maybe I am really a born risk-taker whose true nature was stifled by my risk-averse parents' upbringing, or maybe (I think this is more likely the case), I am just a Boring, Predictable and Unadventurous wannabe girl wanting to be someone I am not, i.e. Exciting, Effervescent and Bold. I've taken the tried and tested path all my life, maybe it's time I started exploring paths off the beaten track. Lately, many of my peers have been considering moving overseas for work, or more appropriately put, career development. I've considered that as well, and I am sure that would please my parents. But wouldn't it be more exciting (and definitely fun), if I moved overseas, not for career development, but for something totally beside the point, like teaching English in Japan for a year, and simply living like a total foreigner in a foreign land, lost in translation, just for the heck of it? I can't wait to see the look on my father's face if I ever get the chance to I tell him that. I can imagine him going on and on about how much less in terms of money I'll be losing out if I took this path, how this detour is going to be such a waste of time, blah blah. Well, isn't it ironic? This time-wasting argument? You only live once, and yet I'm wasting my life on a job that is tearing me into shreds. I am living like my work is the centre of the universe, when even someone with brains the size of a pea knows it's not.
Although I do not know what exactly it is that is causing all these frustrations, one thing I do know for sure is that it's time for Change. I don't know what this Change is going to be like, and I have no idea as to how big or small it has to be either. All I know is that something needs to be done differently. I have no idea when and have no idea how (yet). People who know me and are reading this, please don't quote this entry and ask me how's my Change coming about. I know it will come. I just need Time, some Clue, and that wee bit more of Courage.
Wish me luck.
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