Today, I asked my manager for an internal transfer.

Much as I’m tempted to, I wouldn’t say the cliched “I do not know what possessed me to do that” sentence. I know for sure that I want to get out of what I’m doing. I know I’m getting too comfortable for my own good, and really, I’m getting kind of bored. I don’t seem to be growing technically, and it disturbs me that I am wasting precious time trading growth for comfort.

While I know I wish to get out, the problem lies with the fact that I do not know where I want to go. But the urge to get out is so strong, I kind of took a stab in the dark, and chose what I chose.

Ok, maybe I shouldn’t say it’s a stab in the dark per se. I made my choice by elimination (as I’ve ALWAYS done for all the major decisions in my life – choosing my schools, choosing my major, choosing my job). Not the best way to make a decision, and certainly not the most intelligent method. But they haven’t yielded disastrous consequences so far, though I acknowledge that intelligent decision making is something I have to work on.

I’m not particularly proud of this, but I can get rather wishy-washy when it comes to major decision making. Whenever I attempt to make an intelligent decision, I’ll almost always end up over-weighing all the pros and cons that I end up putting off making the decision. I usually end up with a decision only if I stop being rational, and stop trying to be intelligent. In other words, the decisions I’ve made are usually leaps of faith made with one eye closed.

This time round, I’ve been told that with me moving over, I’ll be almost starting from square one. I’ll need to clock in another 2 to 3 years to gain the relevant experience to be marketable in the industry. On top of that, I’ve been advised that where I’m transferring to is pretty specialised, unlike the Options Heaven that I am in now. This isn’t a problem if I know exactly what I want. But I wonder how smart this decision is if I am choosing this option just because I want to get out of my current rut. But like I said, unless I keep one eye closed, I’ll never be able to reach a decision. So maybe I should stop attempting to be intelligent and just go ahead with it.

Even so, I can’t help but wonder if I am just being itchy-fingered and fixing something that ain’t broke. My manager warned me that where I’ve requested to be transferred to will be much worse than where I am right now, in terms of hours, workload and stress level. In response, I told him I’ve considered that, and I wouldn’t mind it because I really want to try out something different. I said that with quite a lot of conviction, but now that I look back at the meeting I’ve had with him this morning, I am beginning to wonder how much of what I’ve said is actually true. Now that I am sitting by myself at Starbucks, I am beginning to realise that I actually am petrified by the prospect of having zero personal time. Me-time keeps me sane. Having no personal time is as bad as, if not worse than, depriving me of sleep. It drives me cranky. I need alone time, in fact, lots of it, to allow experiences to percolate into my system. Without that, experiences, however rich they are, would just slide past me, and I’ll probably just look back at my 3 busy years wondering what I’ve done with my life, how come I’m older but not any wiser.

But hey, if I go on and on about this, I’ll probably end up with a decision-making stalemate with myself. So perhaps I should just close one eye and take another leap of faith. So be it if this is a mistake. I’ve got to learn to DARE to make mistakes. Come to think of it, I’ve never really regretted any leaps of faith that I’ve made in the past anyways, no matter how crazy they seemed to me before I took the leap. Either I’ve been taking really smart leaps, or I am simply immune to regret – which is good either way. I don’t think I’ll play myself out this time round. So I guess I’ll just get an eye patch and prepare for my Great Leap Forward.